How much more I would respect Prezza if he announced he was going green this August, had taken up cycling, started wearing recycled clothing and opened up his house for a party for poverty-stricken local pensioners trying to manage on crap government handouts. Instead, he is filling the month with grandiose, meaningless gestures which will cost us money to put into action, involving extra security, chauffeurs, and aides preparing the twaddle he will mouth at each stopping-off point.But if you decide to take the boat to France this summer, another, even more frightening prospect awaits you - Margaret Beckett and hubbie Leo, on their annual caravanning holiday, accompanied by security staff, walkie-talkies, sniffer dogs, and in full radio contact with Condie at all times. How I loathe caravans, with or without our hapless Foreign Secretary in them! You can't imagine her US counterpart popping on a pinnie and doing a spot of washing-up in her mobile home parked up in a layby in Louisiana, can you? Israel and Hizbollah might be committing war crimes on an hourly basis, but clearly nothing comes before Mrs Beckett's love of an award-winning caravan complete with floral-patterned plastic interior, shower and built-in lavatory.When caravanners talk about "the freedom of the road" what they mean is the freedom to cause 15-mile tailbacks as they pootle along preventing anyone from overtaking. By the way, when government spokesmen talk about meeting those on the "front line", I am extremely amused.

To most of us at the present time, the front line is in Southern Lebanon, Baghdad or Kabul - it is not doing a job you are paid to do somewhere in England, no matter how worthwhile that occupation might be. If the Government paid key workers such as nurses, teachers, firefighters and ambulance crews properly, they wouldn't have to send redundant politicians like Mr Prescott around to "boost" morale when they can't think of anything better to do. If you stay in Britain, you face the very real danger that you might be strolling around a bit of reclaimed parkland somewhere in Yorkshire, or waiting for a bus in Blackpool, when a cavalcade will turn the corner and you'll be right in the middle of a John Prescott photo opportunity. Big Bad John plans a series of regional visits to frontline workers during his hands-on period of running the country during August You still have 48 hours to make your escape plans. We are told Mr Prescott can't reveal his exact route - for security reasons. Perhaps if citizens knew he was coming to their neighbourhood, they might all dress up as cowboys and turn the visit into a local festival, or rush down to the Co-op, purchase several boxes of eggs, and take up good vantage points for a free floor show.

But I don't know what is the more frightening prospect for all holiday-makers this coming week - staying in Britain, putting your money where your mouth is and boosting local communities, or taking the ferry to Europe and saving money with a camping holiday hosted by our EU neighbours. I've spent the past week in Cornwall, enjoying fine food, great weather and excellent beaches. Next, I'll be practising my Spanish in out-of-the way villages and inns. Where, for example, does Gordon Brown stand on Hizbollah? It seems unlikely that, as prime minister, Brown would have taken a different view from Blair The Chancellor takes an interest in the Middle East He was in Tel Aviv in November. He gets on well with Ehud Olmert, the Israeli prime minister.